Holiday Recovery

So the end of my vacation is closing in... back to work tomorrow- yay! Um, seriously though, I just checked my work email and found out that my one main office is now officially taken over by the new HR manager, effective today- granted, I did clean out my office last week- but still, I am already going to be done a couple of weeks before my official end date, couldn't they have waited a couple more weeks? or am I being petty? Just another reason I guess that I am glad that I am leaving there... another reason among many!

On to the fun stuff, my weight... Remember last Wednesday I weighed in and I would not even say what my weight was... well, let's just say I have lost a couple pounds and today weighed in at a solid 252. BUT (notice it is a big but) I did get some exercise in over my vacation so Amen to that! I'll admit, I didn't eat perfect the whole time but I didn't eat awful either.

Hopefully there is no where to go but DOWN!!!

Thoughts for the day...

1. It is downright chilly outside... but I love this weather!!! (of course, we have the nor'easter coming our way... something to look forward to in my opinion)
2. Becky is blogging again- yay!
3. Tomorrow is turkey day... glad about it as I haven't been on plan an don't plan on starting tomorrow, I know- shame shame.
4. I want to have more fun! no intentions of elaborating right now
5. Today is wednesday... as in weigh in day... but I would rather not go there, let's enjoy the holiday and stating my weight would just cast a big black shadow over it.

Anyways, I have been feeling kind of down and out lately and I have no doubt that part of that is due to my body and how I feel about it and a lack of exercise... we have been over this before... I am having the most difficulty getting myself motivated. Argh. But I am getting there slowly in my head; it is becoming frustrating... let's think back to my last post where I said I eat when I am stressed and anxious... what if that were to go away? Would I feel better? Would I just stopping eating like I am but my weight would stay the same? Or would I feel good enough about myself to start taking care of me and my body??? Something to think about I guess.

Oh, and some of my other thoughts have been around this new frenzy of news reports about the anorexic models and such after the one gal died last week weighing in at 88 pounds... she was the same height as me!!! At this point, I can't imagine weighing 188, let alone 88 pounds... I think it is sad though. I have no problem seeing that I am fat and that I have a problem and I hear what the scale says loud and clear; unfortunately those suffering with eating disorders, like anorexics, apparently don't see themselves that skinny and keep on losing weight... so sad.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Turkey Day!!!!

My Lightbulb Moment Has Arrived!!!

So I may have come to this realization before but now it is really hitting home... ready for this???

I EAT WHEN I AM ANXIOUSLY STRESSED!!!!

Ta-Da! Does that make sense? If I am stressed over relationships or something like that, I lose my appetite. But, if I am anxious about things- a whole other breed of stress- then I want to eat. Seriously... at the end of December I will be done with my job, and not that I won't have a nice term package and stuff but I have put pressure on myself to really have a new job all set to start in January so that I can put my second income towards our debt. Now I know, like I said, I am the one putting pressure on myself but all the same, it has me stressed. And I am totally anxious about money at the moment... which just ties in with the finding a new job for January thing. Anyways, I feel this way and I have noticed that I have also been craving food- no apparent reason... I can't even claim to be that hungry. And it is an endless hunger too... I don't know what I am hungry for or why I am eating but it's like I can't stop thinking about food and I will eat whatever sounds good at the moment... argh.

OKAY, GREAT! Now that I have figured this out what am I going to do about it... any suggestions?

Plus I think I am also one of those boredom eaters so that makes matters worse right now because at my task list here at work gets shorter and I have less to do, I find myself wanting and thinking about food more often. YIKES

Alrighty then, I do have some work to do so I ought to get to it and stop thinking about food so much...

Humph.

Yup- that about sums it up. I put my jeans on this morning and they are fitting looser which is always fun but that was about the highlight for my day. Oh yeah, and when I wasn't hungry enough for lunch I had carrots with ranch dressing... that wasn't too bad unless you count the side of Dove dark chocolates... mmm. Aside from that, I think I have been a lazy ass today... working from home and I haven't even made the bed- which I plan on doing after I finish this post.

Thanks to FB and Sandii for the words of encouragement... made my day!!! So long as I am not going backwards and continue to have goals it can't all be too bad, right?!?!?

I saw Pasta Queen ;-) is in Onderland... I am jealous... I have got to get there... haven't been there since I graduated from college in 2002, so four and a half years ago. And when I do get back there, I am going to take a picture too...

Damn. Did I say that already?

Well, the weigh-in wasn't as bad as I thought it would be from the other morning when I weighed in and was up too many pounds to share here... I lost a couple pounds since then but am still riding the fence around 250... give or take a pound. Ugh. I still don't know what the hell my problem is, that I can't seem to get motivated at all when it comes to eating right and/or exercising. And one would think that as my frustration grew with the state of my body that I would really do something... and yet, no. Nada. I really need to spend some one on one time with me and figure out what I really want, how I am going to get it and what is stopping me... yeah, good luck with that. Maybe I will brainstorm on that and get back with it later today.

Blegh.

So this post is going to sound more like a whine than anything so here's your head's up.

Moving on: I feel so icky today... just all the way around. I got into work this morning and the new hr person had moved some things in my office and I just felt invaded; on top of that I am not in the best mood because the baby decided to be wide awake last night so I was up with him at 1 am and finally went back to bed at 3 am... I did get some things done though. Hum.

I am also feeling fat so what better place to write about that than right here. I don't know if it is stress or something else but I have been wanting to eat... everything and anything... it is awful and it is also like I can't stop myself. I feel myself being pulled down- I mean, yesterday my stomach just felt gross and yet I still ate dinner. What is my problem? I need to think on this a little more; maybe I am not eating enough of the right things. Plus I need to kick this chocolate addiction I seem to be having... you know?!?!?

Oh well, due to my mood I don't have too much else to write.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

My stomach feels gross and I am damning my babysitter. Ugh. Long story short, her mother-in-law works for Pepperidge Farms and at Halloween she, as in my sitter, found out that I like the PF Milano cookies so her mother-in-law got me a HUGE bag of these cookies... and shamefully I admit to practically feasting on them over the last week- ack. There have been at least a couple of times where a few of these cookies have replaced a meal. The worst part, it's not even the cookie part that I really enjoy but more that dark chocolate middle that gets me... every.time.

One thing I have noticed, foods that I like- and these are snacky foods, be they chocolate covered raisins, potato chips or the above mentioned cookies- I ritualize eating them. Does that make sense? I'll try to explain; I don't just bite into the cookies, chew it up and swallow and then reach for another... no. The milano cookies, I take a bite slowly, and then soften up the cookie and then wait for the chocolate to melt... mm. Chocolate covered raisins, I break the chocolate off from around the raisins- a mixture of melting and biting the chocolate just right. Get my drift... I guess it is good that I've noticed this but I don't have a clue as to why I do it.

In closing- ah- I am not so much looking forward to Wednesday weigh in as I had been, *sigh*.

SMOOSHED MARSHMALLOW

That is why I was posting yesterday morning... I knew there must have been a reason. Anyhoo- I say smooshed marshmallow because... we happen to have a good sized armoire/ wardrobe in our bedroom and it just so happens to have a full sized mirror on the door... and this piece of furniture is placed so that it is facing the end of the bed meaning if you happen to sit on the middle of the end of the bed you can get a nice full length view of yourself sitting on the bed... well, that's what happened to me Monday night and again last night... and that's why I say a smooshed marshmallow... I looked all fluffy and rolly and just- ICK! Not a pretty picture but definitely has increased my motivation to take better care of myself for sure. I have made my list of things I want to get done this weekend while the husband is working and this includes straightening up and sorting the boxes I have in the basement... then I am 'allowed' to set up my Gazelle down there where I plan on doing my workouts... oh yeah, and I have already figured out most of my first workout playlist so I need to download the songs and I should be good to go. Whew.

Now, if any of you are following along, Wednesday mornings happen to be my weigh-in day :clearing throat: I was excited about this morning since I was down a pound the other day... well no such luck this morning as I was up a pound but I am blaming it on that time of the month and water retention- I am bloated, like you needed to know that- so I am still most definitely looking forward to next week's weigh in. I have been eating well, this morning it was two granola bars, a salad with lite french dressing, some leftover homemade jumbalaya and a granny smith apple. Woohoo...

Tonight: Biggest Loser; special time 8 pm. Looking forward to it... even though I think this group has some of the whiniest most crybaby-ist people... just my opinion but come on... if anything my motivation would be that my fat ass is on national TV! Come on folks, let's kick it up a few notches!!! (by the way I realize I most certainly am not the biggest loser but that's probably why I don't have my fat ass on tv, so there)

I wasn't going to post this morning, or today for that matter, but I sitting here eating my yogurt and just felt like it... hmm, could it be because I have so much on my mind right now and don't feel like talking about it?!?!? I am sure I have said this before but when I am stressed I start losing my appetite... well, I am stressing hardcore, my stomach keeps turning and I think I am on the verge of panic attacks... no kidding. Not a healthy thing for sure and- at least in my case- all the more reason for me to get to exercising as that is one of the best stress relievers... and I know this is true cause I have used it before. I am not going to get in to what all is bothering me- remember, I don't feel like talking about it- but it is not only weighing me down (ironic), it's really messing with me now and I can't remember the last time I have felt like this- my heart is palpitating off and on, my hands get cold and start to shake, my stomach gets uneasy and I have been getting dizzy off and on- while I am just sitting in a chair, I am irritable, sensitive and on and on. This sucks my ass hard core. What I need is to win the lottery and then move into my compound somewhere in the mountains out west... doesn't that sound sweet???

Oh well, that's my little rant for the morning... I would love a drink right now but I suppose I ought to stick with my water and yogurt... ahh, such is life.

Another One Bites the Dust...

Umm, so, I couldn't help myself and I jumped on the scale this morning... I figured it would probably be higher but NO! One more pound down and it's not even weigh-in day yet... and the best part!?!?! it is that time of the month which means I am already carrying around a little extra weight... so I can't wait to see what it will look like on Wednesday and even next week for that matter. I have been eating less and less chocolate and slowly working my way out of my chocolate addiction... whew.

This morning I had a granola bar on the way in, I have a yogurt for breakfast, a nice big salad with some balsamic vinagrette and a Lean Cuisine for lunch (I need the salad because sometimes those little ole Lean Cuisines don't even begin to fill me up)! Now I have to also start concentrating on my water; when I was losing weight before I easily drank a hundred ounces of water a day and now, not so much, so I am going to work on that starting today!!!

All in all, it was a good weekend and hoping for a good week...

Down...

So weigh-in was this morning and I was back down to 248!!! YAY! Can't say I ever thought I would be excited about weighing 248 but heck... 1)It is better than my highest pregnancy weight which was 283 and 2) It is better than 250 or anything above... and heck yeah, at this point I will take a loss whether it is a pound or five pounds!!! So I am glad about that, will be changing my ticker and it also means I have 10 more pounds to lose before reaching my mini-goal of 238 (post-honeymoon, pre-pregnancy weight)!!! I think if I keep up what I am doing, and even improve, plus throw in some exercise I can lose those ten pounds in the next four weeks... before Thanksgiving!!! And then my next goal will be 225 for the end of January... I can tell I am excited because I am babbling and because I am looking at future goals!!! Whatever though... I am on my way so that is a good thing =)