Not as bad as I thought...

So I was feeling a little better today until I let myself go... again. I did the weigh-ins this morning and everyone lost weight... including yours truly who lost 4 pounds since last Thursday; now if I could just keep it up :-) I was even feeling heavy too but I don't want it to go to my head, I want to keep losing so we will see.

I ate really well today all the way through lunch and then it went downhill from there... I had a little bag of chocolate covered raisins and then too many potatoes tonight at dinner. I feel almost sick to my belly which is no fun but I wasn't terrible either- I am most definitely a work in progress.

With the heat here, I probably sweated most of the weight off, haha! And I heard someone at work say today that the first 10 pounds lost is water weight- is there any truth to that? I am really curious...

What's that hip hop song that says It's been a long time... I shouldn't have left you... I am pretty sure it is from Aliyah! Anyway, I feel like I have been gone forever and I guess it has been 3 months... and sadly, I don't really have much to report- my weight is the same damned number I have listed in my sidebar... I sure as hell am not 210 which was my goal for June- very ambitious goals I must say. I am so disappointed in myself which I think is why I am back here. Before when I wrote here, I tried to imagine myself having my blog be so popular because I was a weightloss hero but now, I am doing it solely for me... I have a written journal as well but just as there is something soothing to me about handwriting my thoughts and feelings in my journal, I get the same feeling from typing and seeing it in a website.
Moving on, I weigh 255 pounds and I am depressed by it. My husband has noticed and he even told me I would probably feel better and less stressed once I lost some weight- and believe me, he loves me just the way I am. But he is right damn it. And just the last week or two, I have noticed myself becoming very anxious about my weight... how I am failing, how my body feels, the way I look and even the way my clothes fit. I am not by any means saying that my life will do a 180 and be so much better if I lost weight but I do believe that losing weight is almost like a puzzle and it really is an accomplishment when all of the pieces come together; the pieces including but not limited to: better body image, healthier habits, better & healthier feeling, more active (ability to go out and enjoy doing more things), more energy, more confidence, cuter clothes (and cheaper in case you never noticed that they raise the prices on bigger sizes).
So tonight, I am feeling especially disappointed in myself and really wanting chocolate covered raisins even though I am not at all hungry. I have weigh in tomorrow as I started the Biggest Loser competition at work... and I think I am one of the biggest gainers- even more depressing. I send out motivational emails, encourage everyone participating and yet I don't take my own advice- did I mention the word depressing?
My final words for the evening: I don't know why I am holding myself back.