What A Week!?!?!

My aunt passed away on Tuesday morning. It is sad and I keep thinking about it- comparing her to the way she looked the other day to the woman I used to know. She had suffered from cancer and apparently had gotten an infection which spread really fast and she just wasn't able to fight it off. Her funeral is tomorrow... please keep my uncle and cousin in your prayers as this is really tough for them.

On to other news, this is my last week home and I start work on Monday. I guess I am kind of looking forward to it- the schedule, the people, getting out of the house. Not that I have minded being home and I most definitely will miss my baby. Luckily these next few months I will have some flexibility in my schedule so I don't plan on working and having 11-12 hour days like I had before having the baby. Please keep me in your prayers as I try to find a new job, closer to home, to start in January! Before I didn't know if I was going to start a new job or stay home in January but by that point I will be more used to my baby going to day care and plus I don't want to miss the chance to be working and bringing home that income while also receiving two more months of paychecks and a severance check- I could use that to pay off my Jeep and a credit card or two. So I am excited about the possibilities...

Hmm, now about the weight thing. I have been kind of lax, I will admit. I plan on getting fully back into the swing of things when I start work on Monday. I already have some of my usual standbys and then I will just need to get some fresh fruit and stuff on Monday. I am afraid though and won't even lie about it. I don't know how much I weigh but will weigh myself Wednesday morning a la my old routine and then just work my butt off. Biggest Loser started last week and the last time I really got into losing weight I did so well and that show was part of my motivation. I have noticed that I feel like I have gotten lazy, I feel crappy and I have been eating for no reason at all unless it is either boredom and/or stress. SO realizing all of that has me feeling kind of desperate; like I know how much I like to work out and how good it makes me feel and yet I can't get myself to do it. Pitiful. Anyways, that said, I am hoping to get my butt in gear and shed about 20 pounds by the end of the year...

Where I Am At

So it has been one week since I have posted last and I will admit to having some more of those chocolate covered raisins; I guess I am not completely ready yet but I am on my way. One thing I am waiting for- and some may not think this is best- is to get back to work, one week from Monday. The structure of it all really helps me out- I pack my snacks, all of my food for the day but dinner; I don't sit around snacking, I drink water the whole damn day, and I walk... I walk now but don't drink nearly enough water and sometimes I do snack. Anyway you look at it though, I am not eating as healthy as I do while I am working and I mean foodwise plus the fact that some days while I am at home I may only eat one meal- not good. This is why I am looking forward to going back to work. I will be broke as dirt which may make eating healthy a little more difficult since we all know that eating healthy costs more than eating junk but I plan on sitting down with the hubby and planning the menu every week or two and that will include what we want for our lunchs and any snacks we may want to avoid the vending machine (waste of money and a bad, bad place if one is trying to lose weight).

And since I am mentioning money, I plan on starting a moderate version of Oprah's debt diet October 1st. This should be interesting because the month of October will be hell month as far as our finances go... we have school taxes due at the end of the month (which is kind of shoved up our butts since an escrow account wasn't established when we bought our house in March and, being new to the whole house buying thing, I didn't realize this until I got the tax bill. But you can be sure that I am now in the process of setting one up for any other taxes in year 07), my stepson's birthday is at the end of the month, I go back to work which means more money out for gas (filling up my car a couple times a week as opposed to when I've been home and only filling it once every week or two... I am so glad the gas prices have dropped), hubby has a child support hearing at the beginning of October for his daughter, and we put our munchkin in daycare which is not cheap- it will end up being $600 a month. Right now, nothing about all of that really stresses me except for the school taxes, ack! It's like I have to pull two grand out of my butt- this is where creative budgeting comes in if ever I've known it. The good part of this is I won't be going out to eat at all... and it drives home my motivation to do this debt diet. My hubby and I make pretty good money and yet it goes to pay our debt... I am hoping I have a job secured for January so that way I can take my two months of pay that I will be getting when I am done in my current position and put it towards the debt...

So it is looking like, hopefully, 2007 will be the year of a lot of positive transformations in my world. My husband and I need to re-eaveluate us and get to know each other again (without all of the stress and stuff), we finally gotten past all the big stuff (wedding, baby, house) so we can concentrate on our money, and then we both need to work on our health! Now, even though it is the last part of 2006, who says a gal can't start on her 2007 resolutions now?!?!?

Damn, damn, damn those chocolate covered raisins!!!

(Just my thought for the morning- ACK!)

UGH

'Nuff said. So I have acknowledged that I am fat but what in the world is wrong with me??? I just read Jackie's post and I can totally relate on so many levels. She is talking about her eating and her weight gain... ummm, I can totally relate. What the f***? I have been eating out of control the last few days and it is not just my imagination. You want to know what the biggest vice has been? Chocolate covered raisins. I specifically went to the store today in order to get some... how awful is that? And the worst thing is that I got a lot of them in order to last me a while. I can claim to have gotten out a couple of times so far this week for some pretty good walking but that whole calories in, calories out thing won't work if I think of what I've eaten compared to the calories that I am expelling... and I don't have a clue what is triggering this. Perhaps I really am an emotional eater. I know I am totally stressed about having to leave my little man with some stranger while I go back to work- this is probably the top of my list of things that have me stressed so that could be it. But ack! Usually when I am stressed I lose my appetite... of course I also know that I have been letting myself get too hungry in the morning before I actually sit down and eat which will change when I go back to work- whew! One of the good things about going back is I will be able to structure my eating habits better... I wish I had a friend who was losing weight and doing a good job of it because, no kidding, the competitive side of me would totally jump on that wagon! Isn't that a crying shame as I am not competitive all of the time but I know that is part of the reason I lost weight while I was in college... hmm.

Anyhoo, let's just say for now how frustrated I am at myself. I can't figure out why I am being so lazy with myself, I am disappointed in myself and I really have no excuse for any of it. Shame on me... I ought to go read some success stories or something somewhere to get me motivated (speaking of, a couple of years ago The Biggest Loser was a total motivator for me so that's something to look forward to as the new season is starting soon; a Loser from each state).

Confidence & Acknowledgement

Hmm, those are two things that make being at this weight an entirely different story from when I was around this weight when I first went to college. The highest I weighed myself at that time (8 years ago, oh my) was 256 but I know it got higher before it eventually went down. But through high school my weight increased to its highest because I did not acknowledge- I mean really acknowledge- that I was fat, eating unhealthy, and that it wasn't going to go away by itself or magically or whatever. This time, although I am at this weight for entirely different reasons, or at least weighing this much, I acknowledge the fact that I did not get here by healthy means, it is not a healthy weight, my eating and activity levels are not healthy, and it.will. not. go. away. by. itself. The other difference is confidence- I am a confident woman which is a positive and a negative; I'll explain: I am confident therefore my weight does not stop me from doing what I want to do, I have high self esteem (so where is my motivation going to come from); on the other hand I also have confidence in myself that I will beat this fat demon! So there you have it, my lightbulb thought for the day!

This Is The First Day Of

Should I say the rest of my life?!?!? I think not as I have done this kind of thing before. I would love to have said that I am starting fresh today after gorging myself by partaking of yummy Labor Day foods yesterday but didn't happen- I guess I have my hubby to thank for that. Ugh. So no hamburgers and hotdogs for this gal; just some chicken broccoli rice from Lipton's (well now I guess it is Knorr); takes me back to those college days except last night I was pissed off at my husband and didn't eat til later cause I dyed my sister's hair and then had my 7 week old little man to contend with... good times,

So, sorry I got sidetracked but this morning has started off pretty uneventful; had about a cup and a half of watermelon... yup, and that wa all she wrote. When I am upset about something or other, I tend to lose my appetite so I am not very hungry. I will, though, have to find something to eat while at the store because I am breastfeeding and I have to eat in order to sustain my milk... woe is me.

Anyhoo- not a long post and chances are good I may post later depending on my mood. BTW the weather here is certainly suiting my mood, rainy and 62 degrees... for heaven's sake it should be sunny hot and humid but I am not complaining.

Oprah said...

So, I am considering making brownies this afternoon- as a matter of fact, I am pretty sure I am making brownies this afternoon. Why? Because I really want one. Now, I had a chat with myself while cleaning the dishes if I am well aware of how much weight I have to lose, why in heaven's name am I going to make brownies to just have sitting around my kitchen. I answered myself by saying I really want one and I like the way they taste. SO this conversation with myself got more in depth and got to the big question of why do I eat what I know is not good for me and certainly won't help me lose weight... my answer was because I like to eat and I like the way food tastes. Sounds like a fairly simple and straightforward answer if you ask me. And then... oh yes, I remember Miss Oprah saying that she used to think the same and it was W.R.O.N.G. There is something deeper- an underlying something or other- that makes a person eat, whether it be the wrong things or too much... ugh. You know what that means??? I want to make and eat my brownies but I don't know why!?!?!?!? Something to ponder while they're baking I suppose... (oh yeah, and I plan on going onto oprah.com to see if I can get a little help getting to the bottom of this!)