Starting Over... Again.

I feeled compelled to write this right now, this morning... even though I know I have to get out of here sooner than later, I still have the little monster to get ready and then drop off at the sitter's and I am heading south. But here I am. I am starting over (again) this morning. I plan on tracking the food I eat and watching my portion sizes like a hawk. The lower card I can be the better, I think, but that doesn't necessarily mean I am cutting out all carbs or even necessarily doing it cold turkey- I am shooting for being carb smart. If that makes sense. I have been reading success stories online (one of my fave pasttimes) and seeing the before and after pictures... I want my own before and after picture. Our holiday party is December 14th and I would like to lose anywhere between 30 and 40 pounds by then which gives me a little over 3 and a half months. I feel committed this morning- like losing the weight will make me different... I want the energy that a lighter, more in shape and healthier body can give me- I am tired of feeling like a slug. I want to be able to run around with my baby and actually look forward to hikes with my husband. And honestly, I am so tired of seeing my big old belly pooching out it is making me sick. (I will get more into how this fat body is making me feel in a different post). Anyway, I have set my first big goal to have at least 30 pounds gone by December 14th; this morning I weighed in and am 259.2 - ugh. My first mini goal will be my birthday- October 10th- and I would like to have lost 10-15 pounds... which will put me under 250 :)
And yes, now I have to go get the monster ready to go... yippee skippee it is Monday... blegh.

Water & Water & Other Stuff

I noticed today that I am not nearly drinking the amount of water that I should be or even that I want to. I remember that was one thing I was really good at when I was losing weight before; water and lots of it and nothing else. My standards have become so low- I will drink just about anything and everything... I don't do diet sodas so when I have a soda it is totally a full punch of empty calories, I hardly drink juice and haven't even thought to get myself some Crystal Light, and the last couple of days I have maybe had one- at most two- bottles of water... for a whopping total of 32 ounces... WTF!?!?! I would definitely say there is some room for improvement on this front.
On to other news- and forgive me if I babble- I gained a little more weight but am still back and forth between 255 and 260- which sucks. Obviously no one needs to hear me whine about it but I will anyway because I can. I hate to sound cliche but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. When you top it off that I am incredibly unhappy about my weight but also too lazy at this point to be doing anything about it, well, I just get more frustrated. I climb the stairs at work and I am so out of breath it is scary... again, I say, WTF?!?! I have my gyno appointment in a couple of weeks and how embarrassed will I be when I weigh in at more poundage than when I was in last time? Which was 6 weeks after giving birth to little man. It's disgusting, I know. I am disgusted with myself to say the least.
To add insult to injury- two things. 1) We had weigh-ins for the biggest loser at work and I am now 4 pounds above where I was when we started the damn competition... I am supposed to be losing, duh. The fact that there is money involved isn't even enough motivation for me. 2) I may have mentioned before by this coming spring I will have been graduated from high school for 10 years and I would like to look different i.e. weight-wise than I did when I graduated. I now weigh about the same if not a couple pounds more than I did when I graduated high school. So Sad. I am not dumb, I realize this is some sick irony considering when I came home from college I was 180 pounds- 80 pounds less than what I weigh right now. To top it off, I saw a pic of some girls I went to school with and they look great- I feel like everyone probably looks great right now compared to me *blegh* That image has stuck in my mind and I think, as terible as it is to day this, that could possibly be the motivation I need to get in shape. That's some twisted shit, I know, when you think that I could possibly be motivated by my health, my baby, my future... and so on. Urgh, it's a competition thing I think.
Anyhoo- as I wrap my brain around it, the whole idea of everything makes me sick and I want to lose weight and get in shape. Plus, somewhere in my head, aside from the fact that being active and healthy is a good thing, it is also glorified in my world- maybe because it is not common in neither my family or my husband's or even really around a lot of the people we know and associate with. So there you have, my diet motivation is to spite and compete with people who I haven't seen or talked to in nine years... HAHAHA. Sick.

Does your belly hang low?

I can’t stop looking at my belly when I am in front of the mirror. It just hangs there… ugh. I hate it. I can’t believe I have let my body get to this point and still I am not full fledge doing something about it. It’s strange but I never thought I would like my legs more than my middle… I am still hoping to be forty pounds lighter by our Christmas party in the middle of December… and I can’t believe that will mean I will still be weighing in at 215-220 pounds- Holy Hannah! But either way that’s a whole let better than what I am weighing in at now plus I will be able to wear some of my pre-pregnancy clothes. And speaking of pregnancy, I have my doctor’s appointment coming up in a few weeks and I am going to be so embarrassed if I weigh more now than I did when I was last there, which was just 6 weeks after having the baby. We will see…
Oh well, I am looking forward to the weekend anyway. It’s supposed to be nice so maybe I will get out for some exercise and bring along the monster and hubby… that would be fun- a nice hike or something.

Thoughts for HUMP day

Ack. I know that I haven’t been perfect when it comes to my diet- at this point, screw calling it a lifestyle change… it is a diet until further notice (I am guessing once it starts becoming a habit, I will then call it a lifestyle change in progress). Holy damn moly, my weight is going no where, and I am sick and tired of seeing the numbers 253 – 260; it is so frustrating and I truly think I have no one to blame but myself. I haven’t been very active and I did eat chocolate covered raisins both Sunday and Monday evenings. I think I am pissed off at myself and I don’t know how to get myself out of this rut. I have noticed though, which in my opinion is a good thing, I have become more conscious of the food decisions I am making – like I am aware of the bad decisions I am making, I am aware of when I am being lazy and I am also aware when I am making good decisions like food portion sizes and so on.
I was RE-reading my PEOPLE article of the women who had lost 100 pounds or more and I looked down and my naked body of blubber and I thought, how can my body go from this to looking like that? Don’t get me wrong these women in the article were by no means perfect but the fact that their bodies were just as fat as mine is now and they looked lovely… no bellies hanging, no arms the size of some people’s calves or thighs the size of some people’s waists… I can’t wait for it to be me but again, I know that is up to me.
I think that it is amazing that a body can go through a transformation like that but I also think it is amazing- for lack of a better word- the amount of effort, time and energy that has to go into getting it to make that kind of transformation. Ultimately, I want to be proud of the way I look, have my husband be proud of the way I look, I want to be healthy and I want to have tons of energy to be able to enjoy my life… I am hoping that seeing those words and then actually feeling them will give me that motivation to get moving (that and Biggest Loser starts in a few weeks- yippee).

I think the quote below kind of sums up how I am feeling/thinking at the moment:

Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.

Wayne Dyer

Diet Motivation Secrets

Below is an article I came across this morning at http://ezinearticles.com/?Diet-Motivation-Secrets&id=132783; I think it speaks to my earlier entry and feelings.


People are always looking for a way to lose weight without the pain and suffering of actually going on a diet and exercising. Well, unfortunately there is no such way to lose weight. But a person can achieve diet motivation.
Diet motivation is the desire and drive to eat smaller portions of healthier foods and exercise more frequently. While it is not an easy thing to achieve, it can be done with some tips and advice on dieting and motivational skills.
To get started on your diet motivation, you must first decide what your desired weight loss should be. This is where it gets tricky. The goal must be realistic and possible to obtain. If we set our weight loss goal at 50 pounds, yes it is a great plan, but not realistic for most of us.
If the goals are set too high, they are useless to our cause. If they can't be met then they are detrimental to our diet motivation. So, the goals that we set must be both, realistic and possible to reach. This goes for our exercise goals as well.
Don't set a goal for working out two hours every day. That would be great to be able to do that, however, it is really unlikely that the average person can do that and commit to it every day. As you reach your goals, you can then raise your standards and climb up as you go.
The foods that you eat will more than likely have to be altered as well. The key to success with any weight loss program is that you should expend more energy than your caloric intake. It is really that simple.
You do not have to deny yourself of everything that you enjoy eating. Just downsize the portions and eat these items in moderation. As a matter of fact, studies show that the people who do deprive themselves of their favorite foods, end up binging on those foods and going off their diets all together after time.
Again, you can have pretty much anything you want in the food group, just use common sense and eat less and exercise more to burn off any extra that you have eaten.
Diet motivation will become a habit in the same way that overeating becomes a habit. Your body will get used to the workouts and the healthy eating, and it will be come natural after time.
Think of the positives of obtaining diet motivation. You will feel better, you will look better and you will have more self discipline and will power. All those things combined are going to make a better you.

Body. Breaking. Under. Weight.

Total. The title says it all… I have been starting to have pains in my foot whenever I sit for a while, it cramps up in a completely uncomfortable way and then takes a few minutes of walking on it to make it go away; the toilet seat is no longer comfortable (too much info I know but I feel like I did when I was preggo) like my hip got crampy while I was sitting on it the other night. I am becoming so frustrated… my body is not made to carry around 260 pounds; that’s right, I said 260 pounds. How awful is that? And I, no one else, am to blame. Bad, bad food choices… laziness- which I am attributing to my big old behind which I am attributing to my bad food choices. It seems like I have maybe one good food day and then five bad days. It is a vicious circle and it seems like it is an endless fight- me against me. I like food, I like to eat; I enjoy the taste of food and I like cooking it, smelling it so on and so forth… but that is no excuse. I also like when my body is healthy; I like having the energy to run around and do things- play outside, walk around the mall, clean my house- whatever. Don’t think I am not noticing the signs of my horrible habits… I am not kidding when I say I have become lazy. I am tired, sluggish and really don’t feel like doing anything when I get home but sitting on the couch… isn’t that awful? What kind of wife and mother am I or will I turn out to be if I keep this up? I don’t even know how my husband still finds me attractive with all of this extra weight… and my poor baby, I think he is already missing out on some of the fun stuff of life because I feel more like a lazy hermit than the outdoorsy person I want to be…
The worst part, I have realized that my co-worker who is doing the Biggest Loser competition ways less than I would if I cut my weight in half i.e. 260/2 = 130 and she weighs 122… granted she is a lot shorted than me and I wouldn’t want to weigh 130 as I feel I am far too curvy for that but come on… I am actually closer in weight to the co-worker who is going to have lap band done (she is around 315 I think) than I am to even my own goal weight.
I am disgusted in myself, in how I am letting myself be out of control and overall how I am letting all of this affect my life. I feel like I can’t handle things the way I should; I feel like it should be okay for my husband to be grossed out by me and more attracted to other women since I have let myself get this way (although God bless him he loves me for who I am and thinks I am the most beautiful thing coming and going). Finally, I feel like my life has come to a stop and I am no longer happy or having any fun and it is all my fault.
I understand that this post/ entry is kind of depressing but such is the state of my life at the moment; everything else is going well but this is like a dark cloud- a big dark cloud- hanging over me and I guess, at the same time, the proverbial road block that is stopping me from doing things. I have never been the type to think I couldn’t do something because of my weight but currently I definitely feel like it is in my way.

Now, above all that, another of my co-workers just informed me that she got on the scale this morning and finally got under the 200 mark; I can’t wait until I see that. But until then, I need to get my act together and at least get under the 250 mark which I have been close to but haven’t been to in any length of time for it to count for anything.

I want to feel smaller again; I want my belly to not be this pudge of flab hanging over my pubic area (not that it really hangs but it does droop a bit)… I don’t want a belly at all. I am not familiar with this body that I am in right now- it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel comfortable, it is not the right fit for me. So, alas, I am starting again and hopefully this time for keeps; I don’t have a choice. I admit now that I know it won’t be easy and there are times when it won’t be fun but it is something I need to do and the goal will definitely be worth the trip.