Body. Breaking. Under. Weight.
Total. The title says it all… I have been starting to have pains in my foot whenever I sit for a while, it cramps up in a completely uncomfortable way and then takes a few minutes of walking on it to make it go away; the toilet seat is no longer comfortable (too much info I know but I feel like I did when I was preggo) like my hip got crampy while I was sitting on it the other night. I am becoming so frustrated… my body is not made to carry around 260 pounds; that’s right, I said 260 pounds. How awful is that? And I, no one else, am to blame. Bad, bad food choices… laziness- which I am attributing to my big old behind which I am attributing to my bad food choices. It seems like I have maybe one good food day and then five bad days. It is a vicious circle and it seems like it is an endless fight- me against me. I like food, I like to eat; I enjoy the taste of food and I like cooking it, smelling it so on and so forth… but that is no excuse. I also like when my body is healthy; I like having the energy to run around and do things- play outside, walk around the mall, clean my house- whatever. Don’t think I am not noticing the signs of my horrible habits… I am not kidding when I say I have become lazy. I am tired, sluggish and really don’t feel like doing anything when I get home but sitting on the couch… isn’t that awful? What kind of wife and mother am I or will I turn out to be if I keep this up? I don’t even know how my husband still finds me attractive with all of this extra weight… and my poor baby, I think he is already missing out on some of the fun stuff of life because I feel more like a lazy hermit than the outdoorsy person I want to be…
The worst part, I have realized that my co-worker who is doing the Biggest Loser competition ways less than I would if I cut my weight in half i.e. 260/2 = 130 and she weighs 122… granted she is a lot shorted than me and I wouldn’t want to weigh 130 as I feel I am far too curvy for that but come on… I am actually closer in weight to the co-worker who is going to have lap band done (she is around 315 I think) than I am to even my own goal weight.
I am disgusted in myself, in how I am letting myself be out of control and overall how I am letting all of this affect my life. I feel like I can’t handle things the way I should; I feel like it should be okay for my husband to be grossed out by me and more attracted to other women since I have let myself get this way (although God bless him he loves me for who I am and thinks I am the most beautiful thing coming and going). Finally, I feel like my life has come to a stop and I am no longer happy or having any fun and it is all my fault.
I understand that this post/ entry is kind of depressing but such is the state of my life at the moment; everything else is going well but this is like a dark cloud- a big dark cloud- hanging over me and I guess, at the same time, the proverbial road block that is stopping me from doing things. I have never been the type to think I couldn’t do something because of my weight but currently I definitely feel like it is in my way.
Now, above all that, another of my co-workers just informed me that she got on the scale this morning and finally got under the 200 mark; I can’t wait until I see that. But until then, I need to get my act together and at least get under the 250 mark which I have been close to but haven’t been to in any length of time for it to count for anything.
I want to feel smaller again; I want my belly to not be this pudge of flab hanging over my pubic area (not that it really hangs but it does droop a bit)… I don’t want a belly at all. I am not familiar with this body that I am in right now- it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel comfortable, it is not the right fit for me. So, alas, I am starting again and hopefully this time for keeps; I don’t have a choice. I admit now that I know it won’t be easy and there are times when it won’t be fun but it is something I need to do and the goal will definitely be worth the trip.
The worst part, I have realized that my co-worker who is doing the Biggest Loser competition ways less than I would if I cut my weight in half i.e. 260/2 = 130 and she weighs 122… granted she is a lot shorted than me and I wouldn’t want to weigh 130 as I feel I am far too curvy for that but come on… I am actually closer in weight to the co-worker who is going to have lap band done (she is around 315 I think) than I am to even my own goal weight.
I am disgusted in myself, in how I am letting myself be out of control and overall how I am letting all of this affect my life. I feel like I can’t handle things the way I should; I feel like it should be okay for my husband to be grossed out by me and more attracted to other women since I have let myself get this way (although God bless him he loves me for who I am and thinks I am the most beautiful thing coming and going). Finally, I feel like my life has come to a stop and I am no longer happy or having any fun and it is all my fault.
I understand that this post/ entry is kind of depressing but such is the state of my life at the moment; everything else is going well but this is like a dark cloud- a big dark cloud- hanging over me and I guess, at the same time, the proverbial road block that is stopping me from doing things. I have never been the type to think I couldn’t do something because of my weight but currently I definitely feel like it is in my way.
Now, above all that, another of my co-workers just informed me that she got on the scale this morning and finally got under the 200 mark; I can’t wait until I see that. But until then, I need to get my act together and at least get under the 250 mark which I have been close to but haven’t been to in any length of time for it to count for anything.
I want to feel smaller again; I want my belly to not be this pudge of flab hanging over my pubic area (not that it really hangs but it does droop a bit)… I don’t want a belly at all. I am not familiar with this body that I am in right now- it doesn’t feel right, it doesn’t feel comfortable, it is not the right fit for me. So, alas, I am starting again and hopefully this time for keeps; I don’t have a choice. I admit now that I know it won’t be easy and there are times when it won’t be fun but it is something I need to do and the goal will definitely be worth the trip.
posted by Tiff @ 9:59 AM
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